A fire, a cup of tea, a blanket and Jesus. Aloneness is right up my alley as I am an introvert and such a night would be a dream! Tonight, Ben is gone, Kate is working and Carter is at a friend’s house. I really can’t remember when I have had time like this in the recent months.
This time alone is usually something I relish and can’t wait for but tonight I actually had to work my way to where I was comfortable in it. I wondered if I should have invited someone over, or if I was “missing out” on anything somewhere. I actually contemplated what my life would look like if I was not on this road, If Ben and I were not in ministry. If we still had “real” jobs and money. Wondering where you are going to live next or how God is going to meet a need, is not the life most American suburbanized Mid-Westerner’s find attractive. I realized I needed to address this in my heart as I was walking around the house feeling very unsettled. I got on FB and then realized that is not how I wanted to spend my evening. I then sat down by the fire to write a brief update to a couple that has been praying for us.
As I was writing, I realized I was divulging all my thoughts to them. There were words being typed that I did not know needed to be. And then the tears came. I did not know where these were coming from! Words like, “I feel very alone” were pouring out in the email. Well, of course you are! You are alone in your house by the fire! That should be a good thing! But these words were coming from a place in my heart that needed to be touched by Jesus, not by humans.The words to “I Need You” came to mind and I started to sing to Him. I just needed to sit and talk to Him.
I know I have chosen this road, the road that goes the other direction from most.
I do not wonder when I am going to have time for a manicure; or where we are going on vacation. I wonder how we are going to get the money we need to get back to Zambia and then I start thinking about the things I need to buy for people we know there, and my mind goes to future projects and the money that will be needed for those. What impact a safe house could have or the money to properly cover and protect the few wells in Chibolya so no children fall down them, or how to keep drainage from the shoddy built outhouses from entering the water in the wells 5 feet from them. These are things most people are not thinking about on a Saturday night. And that’s ok.
Then I remember that I am exactly where God wants me, alone on a Saturday night with Him. Addressing my needs with my Savior so I can then get up and address the needs of a dying world around me. He is truly all we need. He is enough.
